Fool me once: Shame on me; Fool me twice: Shame on ... me

In all honesty, this entry is more for me than it is for anyone else who reads it or may read it.

I've come to a very crucial point in my life, where everything has become so magnified, senses so heightened; it's hard to explain. Everything is a struggle. Everything is a question. Everything is nothing. And nothing is nothing.
I'm carrying so many things around, bottled up in me, one day I'm going to explode.

For the better?

For the worse?

Who cares?

I'm tired.



I'm tired of being tired of constantly being tired.

Get it?

I could say it's life. But I wont. I could say it's all the devil's fault. But I wont. I could say many things... What I will say is that I blame myself. For most of what is going on in my head. My life. My heart. My spirit. . .

Check it.

Everyone has something they constantly struggle with. Or several.

No one's closet is free of skeletons, you dig? If yours is, then this blog is not for you to read; feel me?

Hope you don't have a weak stomach:

"As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness." Proverbs 26:11

This verse hits me every time I read it because I see myself in it, you know? It paints a very strong and suggestive picture. I am that dog and these 'things' is the vomit. I keep doing things as if God is not looking right at me.

Please, don't think I'm saying if I fix my problem I'll be perfect:

"We are all infected and impure with sin. When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags. Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind." Isaiah 64:6

"No one is righteous—not even one." Romans 3:10

but for some reason, like a dog, I keep returning to the same vomit. And it's not so tasty.

The worst thing is that I try to fool God.

Did you get that?

I try fooling God!

Psalms 139

This is to show how stupid I've been all this time. . .

Check it.

"O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!

I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave, you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
They cannot be numbered!
I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up, you are still with me!" Psalm 139:1-18

I'm not even gonna magnify the key words in this passage because the overall concept is the same: No matter what I do, God is there! He can't be fooled. God cannot be fooled!

I am the fool

You are the fool

I have shared with you already that I have made the decision to become a soldier for Christ. And ever since this decision it seems as if my decision making has gotten poorer and poorer. I am being attacked in every way imaginable. Every fiber composing me, this sinner, is getting weaker and weaker...

and it's not like I don't know it. I know what's going on, trust me.
I just don't want to see it, I guess; or accept it, I guess.

Yet I keep fooling myself, thinking I am fooling God. He is probably looking down at me thinking, "This son of mine is so stupid--all the time." And smile a smile only a sad heart can smile.

You know, we as human beings are very hard headed--all the time. And we make ourselves believe that we can fool everybody and anybody but no one can fool us... yet we fool ourselves.

Talk about complex.

If you find yourself walking down the same road I've been walking on, take this as a sign telling you to make a U-turn. Stop fooling yourself. Stop trying to fool The Unfoolable.

My prayer

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my thoughts. And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
Psalm 139:23-24

for me. for you.


Enjoy this song by Chris Rice called "Untitled Hymn"